Friday, January 28, 2011

Mentally Fit

Am I mentally fit? If you know me, based upon the following, what would be your answer?

How does one know if one is mentally fit? Do you look it up in a dictionary? An encyclopedia? Internet? Do you ask a psychologist or psychiatrist? Consult your family and friends? Discern if you conform to social norms? All of the above?

I won't even touch the never-ending question of what is normal. No way. I'm going to move forward with self-reflection and self-talk. My guess is that it "normalcy" has more to do with your own thoughts than anything. For instance, many people know that I suffer from bipolar disorder. I have run the gamut from risky behavior to desperate depression. So now, in an attempt to avoid being "seen" as the stereotypically evil mentally ill person, I wear a happy face. I smile all the time. I laugh at everything. I offer supportive words to everyone. I am so loved because I am so nice. But the tears of the clown are more like a massive wave inside me, washing around my head, my heart, my thoughts, my stomach just waiting until the whole blasted thing comes together in one big flood and destroys the whole being. My being: 

I know there is a sniper outside, perhaps in the hotel down the road, that is probably aiming at me because I haven't closed my blinds yet and he can see me at night. 

I know that all of my fb friends who know each other "talk" about me behind my back because I say stupid things and make them angry and one day they are going to all drop me as their friends because they are sick of me. So if I act happy and supportive all the time, I'm not giving them a chance to do that.

I know that the high school kids walking by are scheming up ways to get back at me because my dog scared them a couple of times, so I stay inside a lot.

I don't engage in social groups at the dog park because I say stupid things and act dumb and nobody wants to  be around me. I hate social groups.

Kids bother me because they can see right through me. They know I am not real, that I am just a body filled with awful emotions and feelings. They shy away from me, they cry around me, so I avoid kids.

I am so deceptive. I do little things I shouldn't do and then hide them. Like buying things when we don't have any money to even pay our bills. Then I think I have to hide them from my  husband because I don't want him to hate me.

I'm a huge mess. A big huge mess.

But does my psychologist know this? Does my psychiatrist know this? No. Because I come across as nicely mentally fit. How long will this last? I sent an email to my psychologist last night. I'm too chicken to tell my own psychologist I think I'm nuts. I don't want her to confront me. Go figure.

Am I mentally fit? What do you think?

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